drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Houston, we have a squirter
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
