I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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