he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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