Four minutes until I can fart!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
