Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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