; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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