I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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