so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
