Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
