dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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