I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
