i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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