so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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