She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize