my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize