I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
