My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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