yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize