Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the condom got lost in my hair
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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