Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
