Even the bartender felt bad for me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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