Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
