you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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