you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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