I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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