I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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