Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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