How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
