i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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