i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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