I just cut my nipple shaving
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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