I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
