It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Your face is a jimmy john
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
