if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
