If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
