I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Everclear isn't food dammit
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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