I will die if light touches me.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize