I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
