I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
