I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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