I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
