After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How's work?
Spinning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
