I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The air was thick with penises
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
