that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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