My Higher Power is John Stamos
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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