i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
