I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
