I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
