there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
