I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
