Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
