I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Randomize
