I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize