You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
