I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize