Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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