Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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