The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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