he shaved USA in his pubs
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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