Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
