So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
