I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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