My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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