I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm like, not good at living.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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