Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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