i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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